Pregnancy After Loss

(I wrote this near the end of my pregnancy this time, but neglected to share it then.  The last few weeks of pregnancy were agony and sometimes it is hard to share about the struggle in the midst).

Every day begins with careful concentration.  It is a necessity for me to kick count before my day officially begins.  Laying still, focusing in on movements, counting, breathing, praying.  

Every night finishes with a recap of movement.  It is essential that I track the movements throughout the day before succumbing to slumber.  Remembering, recalling, pattern noticing. 

Pregnancy after loss is filled with paradoxes.  

Joy at feeling movement for the first time, or when you recognize awake times when your baby is playing.  Tension when the movement is extreme so you worry a cord accident is going to occur, panic when movement has stilled or ceased when it shouldn't have. 

Building excitement for the first ultrasound or doctors appointment, only to have it clouded with dread that this is the time you will find out something is wrong.  Feeling that anxiety every single appointment, every ultrasound

Passing those monumental time frames (12 weeks, 24 weeks, 37 weeks) and them not meaning anything this time around.  Trying to take hope in the movement of time, but feeling frightened as time nears the end.

In Every Moment

Praise the Lord when it comes out easy
Praise the Lord on top of the world
Praise the Lord ‘cause in every moment Jesus Christ is Lord
Even in the middle of the joys of life
There is always grace enough today to
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
Praise the Lord with the world on your shoulders
Praise the Lord when it seems too hard
Praise the Lord ‘cause in every moment Jesus Christ is Lord
Even in the middle of the long, dark night
There is always grace enough today to
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
 if you can sing it at the top of your lungs

 like every moment is a song to be sung
 though it might take blood, sweat and tears in your eyes
There is grace for today so praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
There is grace for today so praise the Lord

Second Christmas

He should have been there destroying the decorated Christmas tree, exploring under the Christmas tree. He should have gotten a new ornament, his name should've been written on some presents, his stocking should've been ready for little gifts. He should have been toddling around, jabbering and learning new words. He should have been excited to open gifts, only to care more about tearing apart the wrapping paper than the gift itself.
It wasn't the first Christmas, it was the second. And it was harder.
I am discovering every day more and more things we are missing out on together. As time goes on, he is still at the forefront of my mind, much like my other son is, but with a shadow of sadness and a touch of pain.

Happy Now

I love Humans of New York.  I love that in the sharing of the wins of life, these are real posts about real people and their real thoughts and reality.
One post really struck me.  It was two parents sharing about their boys who died in a 6 part series.  They said, "after the boys died, we never thought we'd be happy again ... (but) 'happy now' is different than 'happy then,' but we do feel happiness again.
This profound statement.  In the height of tragedy it can be hard to see a way out.  But as time necessarily moves on, you find a new way.  This understanding that being happy now is different than being happy before opens up grief to a new level. It brings freedom to finding a new way of living.  It brings freedom to never letting go of those we love, but learning to live without them.  It brings freedom to moving on without moving past.  
Shortly after we lost Levi the movie, "Inside Out" came out.  It struck a chord with me.  The freedom of feeling two emotions in a single moment was an eye-opener.  I finally felt like I could feel my emotions fully - not having to deny one to feel the other.
Happy now for me is significantly different than happy before.

Walk a Mile

My husband and I have the same size feet.  We can literally walk a mile in each others shoes.  But I don't walk in his shoes.
I don't walk his path.  My path is so much easier to understand.
I worked alongside my husband one day this summer.  It pushed me to have more than a glimpse of his path.  At the end of the day, I had a much better understanding of him.  He did the same thing with me.  He walked my path for a day.  And we understand each other more deeply now.
I don't walk in other people's shoes because they aren't comfortable, not my style, not my choice.  But taking that time to step into them brings clarity and empathy that would be absent otherwise.
We also have to let people walk in our shoes.
Something profound happens when we let others see our path.  You learn shared commonality, pain.  When we allow our shoes to be walked in, we allow others to do the same.  Being vulnerable creates space for healing and understanding.  We have heard more stories of loss since sharing our story than ever before.
By sharing our shoes, we invite others to share their shoes; their hurts, their pain, their triumphs, their joys. We can bring meaning to their life, their story, their path.
None of us are called to the same path, but we can learn so much by walking alongside others on their path.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-ee cummings

Process

Music pressing into my ears, this is the way I process.  World shut out, words pouring in.  Time to stand back, reflect, and listen.

And may this hope that reaches to the depths of human need
Be the song that I sing in joy and suffering

Drowning out all else, the words seep in and take hold.  When the world is swirling and spinning, it is easy to mishear His voice, to doubt His presence, love and to cast aside His promises.

It might seem there's an ocean in between
But He's holding onto you and me

Blurred vision, I cease movement.  Tears stream as I listen to the words.

How deep, how wide the love
That pierced His side, the love
Redemption's mine, oh love
That will not let me go

When the confusion takes over, when the questions become roars of doubts in my mind, steps backward are forced.  To soak in the truths I know in my head but have forgotten in my heart.

When You don't move the mountains I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers as I cry out to You
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You!

Brutal love and grace that holds on. Even when my thoughts are confused, my feelings unsure, He is sure, steady.

If I told you my story
You would hear life overcome the grave



**Laura Story, Love & the Outcome, Lauren Daigle and Big Daddy Weave's words**